Why understanding codependency is important for anyone seeking help with their relationships.
The term codependency is banded around often. Most people know codependency as something they don’t want to have, like a disease, but aren’t that clear on what it is. I find it comes up often in my work. Having an understanding of it is particularly helpful for anyone who finds their relationships are challenging (and that is most people.) Others may not see their relationships as challenging, but are very preoccupied by them. In either case, it’s worth thinking about whether codependency is playing a role for you.
So what do we mean when we are talking about codependency?
Fundamentally codependency is about an impaired relationship with self. Codependents typically struggle with the following:
Their self-esteem
Understanding and taking care of their own needs, particularly looking after their own feelings
Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in their relationships, i.e. protecting themselves.
Understanding and sharing their own reality with others, i.e. a lack of sense of self.
The consequences of this lack of relationship with self is difficulty in relationships with others. This is perhaps why codependency is not well understood. Codependent people often aren’t consciously aware of the issues in their own inner world, but do find that their relationships are problematic, and this can be easier to see.
It’s worth remembering that there is an element of co-dependency in all humans. Relationships involve us allowing ourselves to in some way rely on others, whether it is to simply pass the salt at dinner time or for a range of emotional, physical and practical needs to be met and managed in the context of a serious romantic partnership.
Codependency is a problem when you are not attending to and taking care of your own emotional needs, but instead try to do this through your relationships. And it doesn’t only feature when someone is over-invested in others. People who avoid others and struggle to form close relationships often struggle with some form of co-dependency which results in them keeping a distance.
The roots of codependency are usually in childhood. For some, there is obvious trauma that can be identified and named. For some, their childhoods might have seemed pretty ‘normal’ or ‘uneventful’, but a lack of attunement to their emotional needs has taken place. For example, parents who are emotionally absent or unavailable, parents who invite their children to take care of the parents’ feelings, or parents being overly-invested in the child such that the child’s separate identity is stymied. There are myriad insidious ways that codependency can be seeded by our childhood environment. If a parent is struggling with their own mental health or in the grip of addiction this can often lead to codependency in a child.
How might codependency manifest in real world behaviour?
Some scenarios that indicate that co-dependency may be at play are:
Any form of addiction, including issues of overspending, substance use or excessive drinking. Addictions and eating disorders are often underpinned by codependency;
Overworking out of a need to be perfect, perform, an inability to say no, need for validation;
Obsession or preoccupation with a romantic partner or with the seeking of a romantic partner. A pattern of relationships going wrong;
Avoidance of relationships, never letting anyone get too close;
Inability to say no, perhaps leading to constant exhaustion as you become over-extended and unsatisfied;
Being the ‘helper’ of the family or friendship group, rushing to the aid of anyone in need without regard for your own capacity and needs in that moment;
Being enmeshed in your relationships, such that you struggle to operate independently of others or need people around you all the time;
Trying to control others, or vice versa forming relationships where you feel controlled by others.
Feeling a lot of resentment towards others, particularly those close to you.
What should you do if you feel you are codependent?
Therapy is really helpful for working through codependency. Because fundamentally codependency implies a poor relationship with self, the process of therapy will be important to strengthen your ability to tune into your inner world.
Additionally, there are a variety of 12-step programmes which help individuals with addictive behaviours and codependency of different forms.
Further reading
Pia Mellody and Melody Beattie are recommended authors of a range of books covering different aspects of codependency.
