The complexity of mother-daughter relationships
Something I see often in my practice is adult women struggling with the relationship they have with their mother. When this relationship is difficult it can have a huge impact on our self-esteem, and as such the impact of it ripples out into many aspects of our lives.
The dynamics I see vary. Often the questioning of this relationship starts from an awareness that others have closer, easier, or more loving relationships with their mothers. Or perhaps as a woman moves through phases of her life, there is difficulty for her in making her own choices without either her mother intervening, or feeling the judgement of her mother, inhibiting her ability to connect with her own intuition about what she needs.
This can all be true for men and non-binary people too, however I have chosen here to focus on the mother-daughter dynamic because of the intensity that this relationship can take on – it seems often to be more impactful for women. Why? I think two reasons. Your mother is a primary role model for how to be a woman in the world. Secondly, women have hormonal dynamics and tend towards feeling greater emotional ups and downs than men, so the combination can create more intensity. For example, mothers can often be reaching peri-menopause as their daughters go through puberty.
Often when this relationship is difficult, there can be a lot of guilt and sadness that the relationship isn’t closer for the daughter. And difficulty confronting that guilt and sadness because to do so requires a difficult step of acknowledging that the relationship isn’t as portrayed in Hollywood films, or as good as others’ maternal relationships. When stuck in this, there can be an enduring feeling in the daughter that they should be able to make it better, that if they just get this one thing right, or get this one message across, they will reach that nirvana of a loving, warm, accepting maternal relationship. This constant, repeated effort to make it better can lead to confusion about why this doesn’t seem to work, nothing changes. And perhaps why this effort an end in tension, arguments or disappointment. Or worse, a pervasive feeling of not being enough.
What might this look like on a daily basis?
One version of this difficult dynamic can be in the form of mum making judgemental comments about your life choices - your choice of partner, how you dress, where you live. If you respond to these comments, she acts as if you are persecuting her – she isn’t allowed to say anything, or perhaps she gets upset when you don’t accept her words. This can be confusing, as you both end up feeling attacked by the other. Another version is that you are not available enough for your mother. You don’t call enough, live too far away, or when you do make effort it is not appreciated. In this version, mum is struggling with accepting the separation between you, as you pursue your own life. Mum may be unhappy in herself, and you are feeling pressure to undertake an impossible task – as a daughter, to make her happy. Ultimately only mum herself can address her own happiness. This is where the guilt can get seeded – you feel bad for living your own life, and carry the weight of your mother’s unhappiness. Spending time with family can leave you deeply sad or with simmering anger after you part.
Another version of a difficult mother-daughter dynamic is mum’s lack of interest, inability to be present as a supporting, loving figure in your life. Perhaps she has always been absorbed elsewhere, seemingly uninterested in your achievements, offering little more than platitudes when you share your success. Perhaps the difficulties in her own life mean she has not supported you, instead being absorbed in her own relationships such as her marriage or work. Perhaps you crave a closeness that has never been there, and are left resenting the lack of support you have received.
It seems to me these issues in the mother-daughter dynamic can become figural in the daughter’s life, sometimes without them realising. And these are difficult things to acknowledge, as our media are filled with ideas about her ideal this relationship should be.
How do you work through having a dynamic like this with your mother?
The feelings associated with a difficult mother-daughter relationship can be intense and complex, and so a therapeutic relationship to explore them is really important. I’ve seen women gain a new lease of life from unpacking their experience in therapy, sorting through the various ways this relationship impacts them and finding a way to reframe the situation.
There are a few things that need to take place to manage the feelings and challenges that this dynamic can bring. One is making peace with the mum you have. Seeing your mum for who she is not who you would like her to be is a really important step, and this takes time. From this point, it is about learning to – in a way - mother yourself. Looking at what you have missed out on due to the nature of your maternal relationship, and how you can get your needs met through other relationships and through taking care of yourself. There is also a piece around learning how to stay true to yourself whilst in her company – not make yourself small, not become argumentative – but being present in the relationship with her in a way that doesn’t diminish you.
